When angry, hurt, and in need, it is so easy to start an argument with the sole intention of winning. Often times we lash out unfocused and unclear releasing pent-up difficult emotions without a plan. It is so easy to assume from the outset that your position is right and others are wrong. So often, in our relationships with people, there is duality. There is how we feel about it and how another feels about it. Even within ourselves we may hold conflicting beliefs. One can be hurt and understand that the person whose actions caused that hurt had good intentions or concerns that prevented them from avoiding inflicting harm.
It also helps to remember that even with the best intentions, we can get it wrong. The trouble is that sometimes people don’t have the best intentions. Assuming good intent isn’t always the safe or sensible thing to do. Nor is it necessary to assume bad intent. Recognition of intent and its impact can open the gate to a path towards common ground, So, starting a discussion, rather than an argument, by establishing common understanding can be powerful and essential in defining intent and action.
An added benefit is that it might also enable your opponent to hear you. Even better, it may transform your opponent into a collaborator in finding a salve for your pain and a solution to the conflict. You are likely to learn as well. It may offer perspective and information that transforms your own understanding. Perhaps they are also upset or suffering. For sure you don’t want the discussion hijacked by issues that should have been brought up independently before, because this can be an unhelpful, and possibly, manipulative tactic. Barring that, building upon this knew perspective to see the full scope of connected issues is often essential.
Shedding light on the nature of poor intent or bad intent also has its purposes. Is there remorse? Is there a desire to address your hurt or anger? Why was that need there? Where did the urge come from? Does it actually have an origin that can be understood and altered? In the absence absence of remorse, is there silencing, gaslighting, or denial of your humanity? Painful, but better to know now. In all likelihood, the only constructive way to elicit this truth is with an open willing ear. Otherwise, you may be left with further intent to inflict harm to defend or deflect in a devolving argument.
It helps to remember that we can all be difficult to reach. Even well meaning folks may need many attempts to finally come to an understanding. Some may be aware of this while others might not. We have particular difficulty when others experience things we have not. Even harder is when we cannot share those moments by the nature of who and what we are. Without those memories to guide us and provide vivid personal reminders, the reality and consequences of others experiences may not resonate. It may be difficult for us to take it seriously, let alone even fully hear what we are not prepared to understand. Not just listening, but really hearing people can take patience and persistence on both sides of the table. It may take multiple attempts. It may even need stronger expression of emotion to bring the point home.
For some, it is normal to comunicate anger or frustration with intense emotion. For some, this is not just normal, but expected for clarity and full expression. Others may frown upon such intensity having an equally embedded norm of restraining emotion, even separating it from the discussion in order to engage in unaffected dialogue. There is no right way or wrong. Communicating across these differences can be really hard. Sometimes, you have to talk about how you express emotion and conflict before you can get to the work of actually talking about it so the other can hear.
Approaching conflict in relationships with open ears and an open mind has long reaching benefits. It gives us the best possible chance to resolve the conflict, to heal the hurt, to dispell the anger, and find our way past it, strengthening the relationship on the way.
For even more selfish purposes, it can bring us greater peace and comfort that we fully expressed our feelings, articulated the problem, asked specifically for our needs to be met. I continue to learn to do this better. To take a moment to rephrase the accusation into a question, to challenge the assumptions behind my words when I am afraid of being harmed or disregarded is immensely helpful, though I don’t always succeed. It does matter that I keep trying.
In an ongoing deeper relationship, it can pave the way to healthier easier future discussions. Trust builds because it is less likely that you will be falsely accused of wrongdoing or malintent. To offer others the chance to explain themselves and then understand how you perceived and experienced the event in question can be pivotal. Knowing that we aren’t expected to inhabit anothers minds is freeing. It is unrealistic to know what others are thinking or feeling at all times, especially when they have not expressed themselves clearly.. Trusting others to articulate themselves clearly and allow us to speak our minds and our feelings fully is invaluable and required if we are to be understood.
In the unfortunate instances where there is truly bad intent and no will to change or participate in healing wounds, you’re better off knowing. There is always a limit in relationships. Can unconditional really mean the destruction of another? That’s not healthy, and in the case of love, being honest, it’s not real love. Not by any definition I am willing to recognize. Knowing that you have crossed out of the realm of a healthy friendship, constructive collegial working relationship, or loving partnership allows decisions to be made. Hold or go. Wait or forge ahead with a separation of paths, emotional and/or physical.
Sometimes, some sort of mediation can help with such discussions. With most conflicts, it is wisest to go directly to that person and speak to them in safe confidence. Some situations, however, necessitate an outsider to facilitate open and honest conversation or ensure safety. If you find yourself in that place, please think carefully about your next step, and, as needed, consult professionals as to how to proceed. If it is abuse, there is no such thing as a constructive conflict-resolving conversation with an abuser. Though beyond the scope of this post to define abuse and it’s expressions, if you suspect abuse or have named it as such, please immediately find resources and support. They are out there in many forms. You are worthy.
It might not be obvious, but everyone peripheral to the conflict will also benefit. Especially for those more vulnerable than you, your choices can have immense importance. You may be releasing them from suffering as well as yourself. They will also see and feel the difference as tension is diffused, handled constructively, and resolutions achieved with less acrimony. You will offer others another way as well. In the worse cases, you may be saving them from long lasting emotional or bodily harm. We are capable of violence, sadly, even with those we are close to, responsible for, or intimate with. It is always our responsibility to protect the integrity of ourselves as well as those dependent upon us. If you are yourself in a powerless position, please get help to find safety for you and yours.
The satisfaction for having valiantly done your part to resolve a problem can also not be understated. You will find you know yourself more deeply, understand others more profoundly, and are aware of the nuances and complexities of our lives. In this there is wisdom. Especially when difficult decisions have to be made, having made such efforts can bring tremendous peace of mind even amidst sorrow.
Such discussions can also support preventative efforts. Heading problems off at the pass. With understanding comes opportunity to do something different. To avoid harm, to bypass old unhealthy patterns, and forge a new way that benefits both. We can love deeper, appreciate others more, sympathise, and even empathize with those who seemed most different and difficult.
It might seem great if there were no conflicts, but if we are honest, they are a natural reality. We are each our own people and are most appreciated for that very thing. The vantage points of others are almost always the root of our laughter and often our joy. I wouldn’t trade those deep side splitting life affirming belly laughs for the world. We are exquisite in our uniqueness. Each of us bringing riches and possibility to our collective existence.
Our emotions often have deeper complex roots. Anger rooted in fear, excitement laced with apprehension, sorrow from necessary change. Few of us are masters at identifying let alone explaining our emotions. Making the effort to clearly and patiently speak our minds in search of a solution is a powerful choice. Listening and really hearing can be transformative. Understanding changes the world.